“When a nun in a remote convent claims immaculate conception, the Vatican sends a team of priests to investigate, concerned about an ancient prophecy that a woman will give birth to twin boys: one the Messiah, the other the Antichrist.” Which is a perfect setup for a bit of religious-themed horror, the only thing you need to add is a decent cast and a spooky church.
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To avoid any possible confusion, it needs to be made clear that this is a comedic pastiche of two genres that seem to have a near infinite canon: Hallmark style Christmas romance movies and budget horror’s trading off the Amityville name. I’ll leave you to decide which one is a bigger scourge on the psyche of mankind (mostly because I can’t make my mind up on the answer) and give the general warning that all such films need. Simply put; unless you are versed in the content being parodied you may not get all the jokes that are trying to be told, and just think it’s the cheap, formulaic junk that’s being sent up.
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The straplines made me think this was going to be good old fashioned Psycho Santa Slasher, but this is actually a horror story anthology with a Christmas motif and framing device. Which isn’t a problem as that’s prime quality festive family fun in the Super Fortress. Thus we fired up the streaming service and let the intro credits roll.
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People can complain about Christmas themed horror all they want, but it taps into three key traditions. You have the Northern European tradition of telling horror stories at Christmas, the horror genre tradition of taking happy situations and warping them, and the horror movie tradition of ripping off anything succesful. You also have the great tradition of misleading posters, which occasional leaves you with something other than a lump of coal.
Who’s up for a timeless tale of Christmas joy, told with grace and style? Tough, all I’ve got for you today is 60 minutes of badly made insanity, the likes of which can only be found in 60s TV specials. A film so thoroughly low budget that only one of the cast has any credits other than this film, and none of them have face on IMDB. So; yes, this is the good stuff! Continue reading
This was a short and low effort movie, so I’m going to be doing the same for the review. Hopefully you’ll also be as amused as I was watching the film, and the title will also have grabbed your attention. Ironically, it took me longer to write and upload this blog post than it did for William Beaudine to make the film.
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The promise of this Jack McHenry written and directed movie is straightforward: “Let’s take the micky out of the old Agatha Christie rip-off movies of the 30s”. It’s a simple, evocative, and, to the right kind of person, enthralling concept, and about the first 20 minutes of the film do a good job of it. But, much like the best murder mysteries, things suddenly go awry in the best possible manner. Continue reading
Sorry I’ve been away for… wow, almost two months!… but life and doing another season of Paul And Andrew Watch All Of got in the way of keeping the reviews coming through. However, I carried on watching movies to keep me going and, as I often do when sitting on a nice sofa in a warm room, I acknowledge that things could be far worse. For a start, I could have been homeless. So, as is my semi–annual tradition, I’m going to spend time watching films I know I’m going to hate in the hopes you’ll donate some cash to help homeless people.
It’s a simple concept: I watch Amityville movies for 24 hours straing, possibly losing my mind because they’re all incredibly dull and frequently nothing but cheapy mockbusters, you get to see it happening in real time as I stream it and mock/encourage me directly as I try to get through it all, and we both help get some much needed cash to Crisis UK. Or you do the same but send the money to a homeless charity in your part of the world and tell me you did it. Main thing: Bad Movies + Endurace Watch = Donations + Amusement.
Things start 30th of September, which means you have plenty of time to raid your sofa for change and tell all your friends! Or even your enemies if they’re good for a share or a couple of coins into the pot. The main thing is that it’s happening and everyone is invited to you might as well make something good happen from it, other than me finding new ways to describe a pondurouse bit of cinematic chaff. So, please: send money to justgiving.com/page/24-hours-in-amityville and wish me luck as I try to spend 24 Hours In Amityville.
The Raggedyman
This was watched because it looked like a cheesy mix between a vampire movie & Cocoon and because John Saxon always adds a touch of class to a movie. The trailer was that kind of uninspiring middle-of-the-road schleppy that can sometimes be the snuggly sci-fi horror blanket you need.
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Starting up another season of suffering through a horror movie franchise,, we watched the incredibly good Hellraiser.
Here’s our selected thoughts on it
And here’s our full watch-along commentary.
The full list of sessions is at the Paul & Andrew Watch All Of tab above, or here on Facebook, so please consider joining us for some deliciously painful fun.
Trash or Treasure 