On paper, this must have looked like a brilliant idea. Take one of the most popular non-super-powered comic book characters of the era, use the core of their story to tell a standard vigilante cop story, and string together a bunch of fight sequences with an up-and-coming action star at the helm. It was the late 80’s and people were flocking to see that stuff, but for whatever reason, this Mark Goldblatt directed flick fell flat on its face.
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Upgrade starts out as a “by-the-book” bit of cyberpunk sci-fi. I-Could-Swear-That’s-Tom-Hardy, burly house-husband and committed future luddite, and his charming wife, Succesful-Generica, live in Now, But With Self-Driving Cars And Police Drones (population: lots). Fifteen minutes in, they get ambushed in their fancy car, him getting paralysed and her getting fridged in an unnecessarily sexual manner. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Tom Hardy then broods over being paraplegic and widowed, until Jared Leto-Lite offers to implant him with Legally-Not-The-Venom-Symbiote, later upgraded with Siri: Ultimate Fighting Championship Edition.
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Before being corrupted by Hollywood, and forever tainted by the evil of production budgets, Peter Jackson had a highly respectable career in New Zealand cinema as the foremost auteur of splatter comedy. Bad Taste, with it’s exploding sheep was his breakthrough moment, and Braindead arguably the highlights of his filmography and unarguably the bloodiest film ever at that time. But it’s his adventure into the world of puppetry that is “Meet The Feebles” that got run through the Trash or Treasure grinder this time, because what we really need right now is a meanspirited laugh and a hippo with a machine gun.
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What’s better than a self-proclaimed action-horror B-movie? One that’s got William Shatner in a starring role and as a producer? And what’s even better than that? One where he seems to have got the producer credit by pulling in his Star Trek TNG contacts to be in front and behind the cameras. Yes, it’s a modestly budgeted three-act fun-timer set to “traditional tropes”, but it’s also playing with some expectations. The story focuses on John – also known as Sergio (Jason Brooks), an archaeologist who spends his time pot-holing in Kansas to try and find the relic that has cursed his family for generations. Great for trying to keep his heartless and unloving father (William Shatner) happy, not so great for his long-suffering wife Susan (Jeri Ryan) or his red-shirted caving assistants. What’s the curse and where does it come from? Well, that’s not quite clear. But you don’t need to know that, only that it’s enough of a McGuffin to get everyone worried enough to put themselves in danger for our amusement.
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There is a lot of bad that can be said about this 1987 Troma Entertainment film, so let’s get it out of the way first and then focus on the interesting bits. It’s got very low production qualities, some of the acting is so wooden that you’d think the performers were cabinets, and its central premise and title are pure shock value. None of the people involved went on to do anything of any significance, it’s not notable for inspiring any other specific works, and it’s basically 81 minutes of musings strung together on one very daft idea. Serious Critics hated it then, Serious Critics hate it now, and Roger Ebert lasted 30 minutes before junking it in as he was bored.
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The sequel to the 2018 Deep Blue Sea 2 that few remember, which itself was a sequel to the 1999 Deep Blue Sea that many remember as being about genetically engineered killer sharks, is out on disc, and it’s time for everyone to quietly scoff at the silliness of the idea just like they have for the last 20 years. Inevitably people will chortle “It’s never going to be as good as Jaws”, because apparently 1975 was when “scary things in the water” films hit their absolute zenith, never to return. And, yes, if you want to compare it to one of the most perfectly crafted thriller movies ever put on the big screen, then it won’t stand up to it. But that’s because this is a slasher film, a totally different beast (as it were), and it’s playing, and winning, by a very different set of rules.
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I remember this film from back when I was a nerdy kid, desperate to rent any sci-fi and horror movie I had never heard of and that the local store only had one copy of in. The cover of the box was amazing, simply staggeringly bold and enticing. It promised adventure, horror and shock, beyond belief. It was intimidatingly cool, so I never got around to renting it and stuck with safer options like Brain Dead and Fortress. Turns out that my adolescent brain may have made the right decisions though, as this is an absolute rust bucket of a film.
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If the idea of a Lucha Libre luchador taking apart the cast and crew of a low-budget soft-core porn movie, like Michael Myers after a visit to Dr V McMahon, sounds like your idea of fun, then watch this movie. If it doesn’t – which I can fully understand many people will have many reasons for it not to – then don’t watch this film. That’s really about all there is to say about this, as the box sells it as a wrestling-centric slasher flick, and the first 15 minutes make it crystal clear that that’s all you are going to get for the remaining hour of run time. This film, written and directed by Jesse Baget, does not mess around and you’re either in, or it’s utterly indifferent to you.
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Once upon a time, mostly before they could get a steady supply of really good blood effects that would wash off of diaphanous nighties, Hammer Films did a lot of business with its Sci-Fi horrors including the renowned Quatermass series and the mostly forgotten X The Unknown and Spaceways. Unfortunately, they didn’t make Village of the Damned, so they released These Are The Damned as frightening children were in at the time. Directed by Joseph Losey, in exile from the USA for being a card-carrying communist, and reasonably based a book by H.L. Lawrence, it was applauded by The Times upon its release and has been recognised as a highpoint of British Sci-Fi cinema.
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Since the fall of Saigon in 1975, American cinema has given us a steady stream of stories based on and around the ten-year conflict that saw America’s first significant military defeat. They’ve ranged from classic examples of New Hollywood with Apocalypse Now, to heartfelt action adventures like Rambo, and attempts at re-fighting the war in Missing In Action.
This list presents five of the best movies about Vietnam that you may not have seen or even heard of, obscured from the public’s conscious but still worth giving your time to. Each takes a different viewpoint, and a different narrative style and each is a singular movie in its own right. None are especially “fun” to watch, but then, as Larry Wayne Chaffin’s helmet in the classic photo said, “War is hell”
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Trash or Treasure 