Klaus (2019)

Christmas is here, so Netflix has launched its first feature-length animation to its holiday-offensive arsenal in the form of “Klaus”. Aimed firmly at the family market, it’s the directorial debut of Disney alumni Sergio Pablos and his Madrid-based animation studio that offers heartfelt fun and an alternative take on the origin of Santa. The film is a melting pot on two key fronts: firstly with its international production staff and secondly with its blend of hand-drawn frames being assisted by computer lighting. So, how well does it work out?
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Santa Conquers The Martians (1964)


This was supposed to be an easy Trash or Treasure to do before the festive season really kicked in. The plan was to find a seasonal movie with a reputation for being a stinker and heap 800 more words of jovial disdain on its head. Could you get any surer shot than a film that’s spent its whole life in the bottom 100 of the Internet Database, has appeared on Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and even made the 100 Most Amusingly Bad Movies Ever Made list by the founder of the Razzies? I thought not, and I was wrong. Very happily wrong. And I now know why it shat out money like a gilded Christmas goose when it first hit the cinemas in 1964.
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Chopping Mall (1986)

I first heard of this film when I was 10, reading a preview in Sky Magazine. The basic premise had everything my young mind needed: the promise of robots, onscreen dismemberment and a snappy title. They were simpler times then, and Terminator was the apex of cool, so I thought watching it would have just been the greatest thing ever. Needless to say, I didn’t, because my parents weren’t mental and neither were those anyone I knew, so this sci-fi horror went into the “must watch, eventually” pile at the back of my mind. Snap forwards to a few weeks ago and, in one of its few moments of usefulness, Amazon Prime suggests I might want to watch it. “Yes”, says I, “Yes I do!”. But for all my anticipation and childlike excitement, the older and (possibly) wiser me was worried it would turn out to be trash. And I was right, but it was still a really good laugh.
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Teenape Vs The Monster Nazi Apocalypse (2012)


I uncovered this film because someone asked me if there were any King Kong Vs Nazi films. I couldn’t find any such a thing, but I did find this 78-minute Z-movie masterpiece. Produced in the halcyon days of 2012, when having Nazis in a film wasn’t a political statement but an excuse to be brutally violent towards the obviously-bad guys, it’s a near-perfect, no-budget bit of filmmaking that just does its own thing. Its own thing is brutally stupid violence and a plot that feels like Hellboy on some very bad drugs. So, please be warned; this is not for the faint-hearted or easily offended.
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Replicas (2019)

There is a good chance you haven’t heard of this Keanu Reeves starring-and-produced film, even though he is one of the hottest properties in cinema right now. Produced in 2016, sold on before it’s 2019 release, and allegedly passed over by Nicholas Cage, it’s box office bombing should have been the talk of the town. Instead of it becoming a cause célèbre, it just got shuffled off the big screens at a rapid pace, another miss in a summer of hits. It then rolled into the Amazon Prime bargain bucket of Amazon Prime in the middle of the year and then on Netflix this month. So, is it as bad as the odd critic has tried to make out?
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Hated: GG Allin and the Murder Junkies


Because Todd Philips is in the news (and in my spare time I’m a screaming muso and punk aficionado) we’re looking at a documentary that is his earliest work. Shot in 1993, Hated follows around notorious shock-rocker/dangerous lunatic GG Allin as he lives out his rock-and-roll nightmare. Whilst GG had some reputation on the US punk scene, this 53 minute film sent him to notoriety and onto many “most degenerate person in music history” listicles. As for Todd Philips, it might show a lifelong appreciation of performance dickheads and happens to be the highest grossing student film of all time.
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The Return Of Swamp Thing (1989)


Here’s a trivia question for you: which three DC properties got made into movies in the 80s? If your answer is “Superman”, “Supergirl”, and “Batman” then you’re almost right, but also definitely wrong as Supergirl doesn’t count, having had its rights sold off as part of the Superman package. The correct answer is “Superman”, “Batman”, and “Swamp Thing”; a character so iconic that at the time Wes Craven released his film version of it 1982 the character hadn’t had his own comics for six years. And so successful was that film that the comic launched to cash in on it was given to beardy weirdy brit Alan Moore to write and its sequel didn’t happen until 1989! And it’s the sequel we’re interested in this time, because whilst the original was merely mediocre, The Return Of Swamp Thing was joyfully awful!
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Returner (2002)

Ever since James Cameron asked the eternal question, “can I get away with ripping off an episode of The Outer Limits?”, time travel movies have followed a fairly set rote; man comes back from apocalypse, finds Partner/Scientist/Chosen One/Tits McGuffin, fights things through a combination of True Guts and Slow-Motion, and saves the day/saves the future/sets up a time-paradox you can drive a lorry through. So, after picking up and reading the back of the 2002 Takashi Yamazaki directed Returner, I was expecting more of the same but with a bit of gun-fu.
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IT: Chapter 2 (2019)


It’s a truth accepted in the horror world that any essential addition to the cannon can expect to get a not-quite-as-essential sequel a couple of years later. Something that tries to hit all the same notes of the classic, and add something to the story, but that just never gets as good as the first outing. Halloween did it by picking up a minute after the original; Hellraiser did it by adding in background plot; Friday 13th did it by switching metaphorical investigation, and now IT has tried to do it by running what feels like a lot of the same story with adults. It has a pretty good swing at it, all told, but it just never manages to reach the heights of the near perfect Chapter One.
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Equalizer 2000 (1987)


When I was first presented this movie, by Richard DeValmont of Bela Lugoi’s Shed, I assumed that it was both retribution for some vile act I had performed upon him and a test of my willingness to try any movie sent my way. The title and blurb were amazingly uninspiring, the figures on the cover were in the uncanny-valley of anatomical incorrectness, and the rest of the dressing was presumably pinched off a 4th years’ doodles from maths class. The back cover was even worse and accomplished the feat of having an even less realistic alternative poster on it, looking like a softcore BDSM flick, and having six photos from the film that can only be described as “punishingly uninspiring”. But instead of the 85 minutes of boredom I expected, I got the A-Team version of Mad Max, for better or for worse.
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