Category Archives: Trash

The Green Sea (2021)

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There were two ways you heard about this film, and for most it was because Randal Plunkett, 21st Baron of Dunsany, rewilding enthusiast, vegan advocate, and death metal fan, directed it at his family estates. The other is because Katharine Isabelle is in it, and you are willing to give it a go because Ginger Snaps is an amazing bit of werewolf and feminist horror cinema. Either way, you’ve heard the hype and you want to give it a go, so what can you expect from the 105 minutes of Irish psychological thriller?
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Forget Everything And Run (2021)

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This film was picked based purely on having a nifty title, a 50/50 rating on Amazon Prime, and there being zombies in it. It was a gamble, and it absolutely did not pay off because this is one of the worst films I’ve seen in a long time. I often used to say “I can’t remember the worst movie I’ve ever seen, because it was so dull that I forgot it”; this is simply not the case, as the unending dullness of this has seared itself into my mind forever. It’s a bad zombie movie, a bad plague movie, and just outright unenjoyable.
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Cat-Women Of The Moon (1953)

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So, for people taking notes at the back, here is the original “astronauts discover decadent, all-female (or almost all-female) civilizations on other planets” (according to The Encyclopedia of Science Fiction). It’s a 1953 release that was shot in black-and-white and released in 3D, because the cycle of getting people to watch any old rot by bunging on a gimmick was strong back then and 3D is a trend that just won’t die (no matter how many times it shoots itself in the face). And, oh boy, is this a lesson in how things were different back then.
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The Howling VII: New Moon Rising (1995)

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Also known as “Mysterious Woman”


Clive Turner had a decent run with The Howling series, writing producing, and acting in Rebirth and Original Nightmare and directing Original Nightmare, as well as being location manager for The Marsupials. New Moon Rising was his chance to break away from all the interference that had messed around with those previous works, to show what he could really do on his own. The end result was a testament to what he could do when left to his own devices and probably explains why no one let him be fully in charge before.
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Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988)

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Following the Ozploitation zany antics of The Marsupials, it’s back to basics for The Howling series as we dive into the fourth film in the sequence. So, it’s back to the USA, back to the hick horror, and back to pretty much the same plot as The Howling but without all the clutter of the “Media! Sex! Violence! LOOK AT ME!!!” framing device. Also, noticeably, without the budget, but they really do try their best.
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Strippers Vs Werewolves (2012) is annoyingly dull

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I’ve rewritten this intro three times because I’ve been trying to find a way to make the review interesting. This means that I’ve probably put more effort into talking about this film than went into the decision process for its script or direction. I did this because I was trying to be upbeat, and negativity isn’t that much fun, as I want my audience to enjoy itself. Again, this is clearly something the people behind this film weren’t that concerned with.
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Space Truckers (1996)

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When this was announced as the movie of the week, three people went “Oh, I think I’ve seen this” and none of them could remember anything about it. That is what’s known in the business as “foreshadowing”, and it give a decent sense of how this Stuart Gordon directed film ended up. This is impressive, given that the last film of his we watched was absolutely blinding From Beyond.
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Backtrack (2015)

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Who’s up for a bit of 2015 “mystery thriller” starring Oscar-winning Adrian Brody and every-award-but-an-Oscar winning Sam Neill? Sure that’s going to get you excited? What if we said it was written, directed, and produced by Michael Petroni, director of well-received The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, The Rite, and The Book Thief (and actor in DAAS Kapital, for the obscure 90s-TV-lovers out there)? Probably not as much, but you’d think you would be in safe hands. That you hadn’t heard of the film might make you a bit hesitant, but surely it can’t be that bad with such a pedigree?
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This Island, Earth (1955) did not age well

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I took another chance on a Sexagenarian classic of cinema, to see if it holds up as well as it did when I saw it aged 8, and the answer is “Not really, but it did look pretty”. Obviously frontloading a review with that information is going to cut down on the number of people reading on, but after this movie mucked me around for 86 minutes it would be unfair to not cut to the chase here.
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Nightmare Beach (1984)

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I saw this one doing the rounds on the “so bad, they’re good” social media conversations recently, but to risk a fight with the people yelling “cult classic!” one too many times I can safely put this slasher on the “so bad it’s actually just a disappointing viewing experience” pile instead. And I use disappointing with great care because had the filmmakers put any care into it there was the chance of a decent film.
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