For those who don’t know it, ALF was a mid-80s sitcom about and Alien Life Form living with a suburban middle-class family in a generically affluent part of mid-80s California. Other than ALF’s propensity for eating cats, it was mild mannered family entertainment hinging on culture shock and mild ill-mannered behaviour. As a series it touched on nothing of any real importance, other than being based on a flagrant disregard for immigration laws, and it go through it’s 102 episodes on the principle that anyone will laugh at a 3-foot-tall fury humanoid with a Connecticut accent. So whilst I knew the series ended on ALF being captured by the US Air Force I wasn’t expecting the movie to be an unrelenting nightmare.

The set up has amazing comedic potential, as you would expect from series creators Paul Fusco and Tom Patchett. ALF (Paul Fusco) lives at an air force base, being tested by a group of scientists by day, fought over behind the scenes by various camps of officers through his stay, and running a whole load of gambling and arbitrage schemes with the enlisted personnel by night. Then he’s in danger, due to Colonel Milfoil (Martin Sheen) thinking having a dangerous alien on the planet is dangerous, and he is taken to the outside world by Major Melissa (Jensen Daggett) and Captain Rick (William O’Leary). They provide the narrative drive and sexual tension, he provides the wise cracks.

However, they aren’t jokes. They are a constant, unended, cry for help into an uncaring void. Not only is there no laugh track there is no laughter, as director Dick Lowry decided that everyone should play their characters as straight as a die. ALF quips at the people studying him and they find it annoying, he quips at the people helping him and they find it confusing, he quips at the people trying to control him and they look down on him even further, and he visibly shrinks each time. His pain grows as each witticism dies a death.

To make things worse (because this is a painful thing to watch), we have Martin Sheen giving his most naturalistic performance since he was shitfaced at the start of Apocalypse Now. You understand Colonel Milfoil and, no matter how hard you try not to, you find yourself agreeing with his position. The situation he is dealing with isn’t a trivial matter, it’s a serious risk to the whole world, and he has a backstory that will fill you with empathy and understanding. You only know he’s the bad guy because you have seen the episodes with the laugh track, and you wish you could make him warm by giving him that knowledge.

If this puts you in the mindset of the “The Big Bang Theory without the laugh track” videos, then think again. The effect is closer to the UK versions of MASH, but with hardly any of the cathartic pay off. The tone isn’t shifted to black comedy, but a bleak and brutal drama. There is some catharsis at the end, but it comes with an implicit tension that makes it clear that things will not be getting better any time soon.

In short, this means that it fails catastrophically as a family comedy. But as a bit of psychotronic strangeness it’s an absolute blinder of a Treasure. It’s too bizarrely misjudged and well performed not to watch all the way through. You will find yourself laughing as the seriousness is played out, even if you aren’t sure if it’s at the gags hitting or missing. Everything is perfect, but at a firm and consistently maintained crocked angle. Or you’ll hear the laugh track in your head and have a belly laugh, either is good.

The Raggedyman